When you can’t find the language…

It’s 12:44 a.m., the house is quiet. Well, mostly quiet. I can faintly hear Brian watching t.v in the basement. I’m currently sitting on the very first step from the second-floor hallway outside of my office, which is somewhat of a cozy spot for me and my laptop sometimes. It’s officially Palm Sunday, the beginning of Holy Week. In several hours I will probably be in my kitchen cooking breakfast, with a virtual church service playing on my living room t.v. Ash will be devotedly playing with his Hot Wheels toys and cars in front of the t.v, habitually saying ‘mommy look, mommy’ every four minutes or so. Our status quo for the past few Sundays.

I was lying in bed, scrolling Pinterest several nights ago, and a quote from Jane Austen popped up.

And sometimes I have kept my feelings to myself because I could find no language to describe them in.

Exactly. I haven’t sat down to write in weeks, mainly because I couldn’t find the language. And trying to search for those words seemed too daunting right now. Before the toll of this COVID 19 pandemic began to sprout, I was wanting to write a post about utilitarian jumpsuits being a must-have for this Spring. I was super excited that the olive-colored (Lenox) jumpsuit from Athleta I had been eyeing for months finally went on sale, and it was everything that I thought it would be when it came through the mail. 

I wanted to add the Veronica Beard Eris Morie jacket and matching Honolulu pants to my site’s wish list (both are outside of my budget but still so beautiful). Maybe do an obsession post about Tamera Mellon or Melinda Marie. I wanted to find some way to share that beautiful Baublebar pearl initial pendant as a to-buy and post a picture of me wearing my new Eenie hoodie. If you follow me on IG, you know I love Eenie! I was working on pulling some ideas from 2007 to the present, i.e., my clothing line. I also had already decided who I wanted to interview this year for my ‘Every Woman’ feature. I was eager about watching that unfold. But then the COVID 19 pandemic and all of its implications unraveled.

And the problem is though I had a hopeful 2020 vision in one regard, the COVID 19 pandemic unfolded in the middle of me also trying to work through multiple, simultaneous personal battles, rendering me to a shock-like state. Though I feel like I should be writing about it all (or through it all at least), I can’t seem to find the language.

*****

…It’s 1:18 Monday morning; the house is quiet minus all of the noisy creaks and pops from wood and metal settling. I’m sitting in my big black leather chair in the first-floor front room with my laptop—something I never do. …As I sit here searching, my brain recaps me in the shower yesterday morning, singing the first verse of, ‘It is Well with my Soul’ over and over again.

….Maybe those words describe it all. When peace like a river attendeth my way. When sorrows like sea billows roll. Whatever my lot, thou has taught me to say, it is well, it is well, with my soul.

Photo: Oamul lu

P.s. A great quarantine read.. How will the Pandemic end?