“I remember sitting down at a desk at Random House one evening, thinking of all the things I had to do, and it was quite overwhelming. I mean everything that I had to do. Not just the little things, but the big things, you know, be your mother’s daughter, be your sister’s sister, you know, all of that. And I found myself unable to stand up from the desk. And then I decided, well, maybe if I write down all of my obligations, I can sort it out. And I started writing out all these things, and the list was getting longer and longer and longer, and I was down to forty. Then I thought, this is going to go on forever… I decided to use another sheet of paper, and I would write down what I really wanted to do. And I decided to write down not just what I wanted to do because I wasn’t sure about that, but what I thought if I didn’t do, I’d die. And there were two things, only two, that I really thought if I can’t do these two things I will disappear from the face of the earth. And the two were 1), mother my children, 2), write books.”
Maybe a couple of months ago, I came across a three-minute clip of Toni Morrison sitting around a dinner table of women. Oprah, graced at the head of the table relishing in the greatness of Ms. Morrison and her collection of grandiose awards, “…we are with the Nobel Laureate here. First, the Pulitzer, let’s start with Pulitzer and move to Nobel. What does that mean?” Ms. Morrison isn’t haughty in her response. Honestly, she doesn’t even seem markedly impressed by all of these “prizes” she has won. She answers the question with this nonchalant profoundness, “I don’t mean to say that I don’t love them and feel proud about them, but nothing happened. I was already this person who had only two things to do.” Gosh, I’ll forever be in awe of this woman.
Since I saw this clip, I have asked myself, repeatedly, what do you want, really want to do? And not just want to do, but if you didn’t do, you’d die? I feel like my younger self would have been more readily poised with the answer. Here I am, on the downhill of my 30s, three o’clock in the morning, with a hot toddy in hand to soothe a week’s worth of irritating insomnia, trying to force my brain to once and for all sort it all out, or at least part of it, on a blog post. Because though this has been resting on my heart to figure out for a little time now, it has become somewhat of a more pressing soul search lately. The physician I’ve been paired with for the past five years is moving on to bigger ambitions at an out of state hospital in the next several weeks. So with the impending effect of his absence from my department, it’s not just me asking myself this question; people around me at work are asking me. What are you going to do? What do you want to do? What do you want to do more? Less? The younger nurse (me) knew the answer to this. I want to go back to school, get my graduate degree. Check. I want to find a job that allows me to specialize more. Check. I literally remember sitting in the hospital chapel at my last job, praying for my current job position. Now, crickets.
I sit here, and a remnant of scripture runs across the back of my mind about God giving you the desires of your heart. But what if you are at a crossroad of uncertainty? What if you are overwhelmed with everything, big and little things, a growing list of obligations, and don’t know what you specifically desire to do at this point?
I feel a small relief because Ms. Morrison, in all of her brilliance, admitted that, while writing her list, she wasn’t sure about what she wanted to do either, but she did know the things she couldn’t live without doing. And I would have to wholeheartedly copy her number one of being a mother to my child, hands down. But what’s my number two? Three even? Crickets. What is that thing I want to do that if I couldn’t, I would disappear? All I know for sure right now is that I need to feel like whatever it is I do next matters.
“I’m very comfortable with my flaws and very comfortable with my gifts,” she says as the clip ends. Maybe that is the work I need to resolve within myself first.
What about you? What do you want, really want to do?
