What changed for me after having Ash

Your life changes after having a baby. I know, very unoriginal, but I had heard it a million times before Brian and I even start thinking about having children. So when I was pregnant, I was obsessed with date nights and spending quality time with Brian because I knew that the exclusive “Brian and Aim” show would be coming to an end. (As a little back story, “Aim” has been Brian’s nickname for me since high school, and “the Brian and Aim show” is his brainchild of our life together. I just go with it.) Life would look different for us. Our time would not be our own anymore. It was one of the changes I anticipated the most.

There are some things that changed for me though that I didn’t anticipate as much, or not at all. So here goes my account of new-found motherhood.

I felt more vulnerable.

So it’s true, having children is like having your heart forever walking outside of your body. I remember rocking Ash to sleep one time and my brain went on a reel thinking about all the things I could not, or would not be able to control. I remember that same moment, the feeling of vulnerability. This wasn’t some period of emotional lability due to postpartum hormone changes either. Motherhood was showing me my deep capacity for love and compassion. It was also showing me some of my fears. Ultimately, I realized that this journey of motherhood was going to push me to look to God even more.

I was less self-absorbed.

I’ve always been in to “self-care.” Before Ash, I had regular visits to my esthetician, hair stylist, and favorite manicurist and me and the UPS/Fed Ex guys were almost BFF’s from all of my online shopping excursions. After Ash came, I found myself less fussy with all of this. Please don’t think this is synonymous with me saying that I no longer care how I look. That’s not the case. My appearance will always be important to me but instead of being obsessed with browsing my favorite designers new dress arrivals, my new excitement was browsing cute little man sweaters for Ash. Some months ago I remember lying in bed, scrolling the baby boy section of Nordstrom and Brian looked over and laughed at me, “she has gone from scrolling dresses to baby clothes!”

I still get my hair and nails done, but I’m not as preoccupied with the notion of perfectionism. Sometimes I can do my makeup down to a near perfect cat eye, on BOTH eyes, and then sometimes the extent of my makeup application never gets further than a few sprays of some Mac Prep and Prime. Sometimes I have hair days that make me want to refer to myself in third person for the day and sometimes the unintentional undone look will have to do. I’m happy and content with myself either way now.

My time became more valuable

Where in the world did the time go? No for real. As a full-time working mom, I struggle with some degree of mom guilt when it comes to time. Some days are better than others. After spending 40 plus hours a week at work or stuck in traffic coming home from work and then some painful amount of time grocery shopping every week, and then time for maintenance things like cleaning the house, laundry, personal dentist, doctors or hair appointments, and then all of the social invites to open houses, birthday parties and dinners that take time, any and all left over time becomes a very precious commodity to me. I won’t even begin a soapbox on me scrounging time to actually sleep!

How many times has Brian shaken his head at me and my madness of trying to decide if I should forego a social event to stay in and spend quality uninterrupted time with Ash? I already have mom guilt. I don’t need friend guilt too! Will they ever forgive me for missing their party?!

Basically, I could use a few more hours in a day. Or, an extra weekend day would be nice!

I had to work (really hard) at getting my sexy back

During the first several months post birth, no matter how many times Brian would ogle over me I just didn’t feel like I did before. I didn’t feel sexy. I was tired, either worried about milk production or leaking milk, and engulfed in keeping up with Ash’s ever changing pooping habits. None of which is remotely sexy. I realized that getting this part of me back was actually going to require me putting in more than a little effort, mentally and physically.

Ok, so actually I’m still working on this. In fact, it was just last week that I finally turned my treadmill back on. I also started a 90 day exercising program. I had to push myself and do it because for me, being healthy and in shape is sexiness with a cherry on top. Let me tell you, after a long exercise hiatus, fifteen minutes into my run, that first nostalgic endorphin rush felt pretty darn good. I’ll keep you updated on my progress! By summertime though, I’m planning to be something like fine!*eye winkie emoji*

In the meantime, I have stopped worrying about fitting into some of my old clothes and now just focus on clothes that make me feel good where I am at. Yes Brian, ogle away! Mentally I’m learning how to simply let go of all of the non-sexy things when I need to.

My body

This could be a blog post by itself! Every woman who has given birth is familiar with the remarkable metamorphosis that your body encounters. At one point I found myself caught up in an emotional tizzy of embracing my super human ability to grow another human being versus grieving the loss of my prior self. I had heard the common things, post birth mommy belly, earning your “mommy stripes”, more “hip” action. But stretchmarks and bigger hips weren’t my motherhood marks. Well, maybe I have a teensy bit more hip action. My biggest unanticipated changes were my belly button and my feet! I once had the most beautiful, most perfect, “innie” belly button. After two births, I am now stuck somewhere between an “inbetweenie” and “outie.” *Insert wearied face emoji*. Absolutely no shade or shame to those who have outies! I was used to my innie!

I also don’t recall anybody warning me that my feet could grow a whole size! *Gasp*I just was not expecting this! A few months ago I finally came to grips with the fact that me and some of my favorite size 6.5 shoes would no longer take on the town together. I gave them away. There are some heels though that I couldn’t bring myself to part with. I just couldn’t. Who knows? Maybe my feet will mysteriously shrink back one day! Fingers crossed.

Sigh. Being Asher’s mother has been the most complex journey of my life. Some days I feel like I’m missing marks but I’m learning to extend grace to myself. It’s all a work in progress. …My heart is bigger, and so are my feet. Honestly, I really would not have it any other way.

Can any moms relate? What changed for you?

P.S. Six of my favorite baby brands!