I feel a little sad that I haven’t been doing this all along. Randomly writing short blurbs of what motherhood looks and feels like at any given moment. Ash is three now.
There is hide-and-seek. Generally, there is an emphasis on the seeking part because Ash loves to be found. Hmm, ‘Where is momma’s baby?’ He will speak up with that sweet voice while remaining in his hiding spot, “Right here.” Pronouncing “here” in two syllables instead of one, “hee-yer.” With stress on the “hee.”
Sometimes as I am coming home from work, I find myself smiling as I pull into the garage because I randomly remember something simple about him, like how he used to do this little squat power walk: his little bowed legs and inward toeing tendencies. For those concerned or just being nosy busybodies, we had him evaluated by a pediatric orthopedic doctor at the University of Michigan some time ago. His imaging did not show any abnormalities of his bone structure, so no braces were recommended. They said he would grow out of it.
There is him saying, “Mommy, watch this” a billion times a day only for me to stop and watch him do something super simple and silly. I’ve joked about him being in the Stuart “look what I can do” phase. Only MadTV fans would get that.
Sometimes I find myself trying to remember my life before being a mother. What did I use to do when I got off work? What does the satisfaction of taking a nap when you are sleepy midday on a Saturday feel like anymore? Or any day for that matter? Sometimes I tell myself that life was probably boring before all of this. Maybe that’s a subconscious coping mechanism as not to mourn the loss of time to myself. Sometimes I do mourn it.
A while ago, I taught Ash what a zrbtt is, and now he is obsessed with them. Do you remember that episode of the Cosby’s where Rudy is annoying Vanessa by asking her the spelling of words that don’t exist. “Vanessa, what does q-n-g-h spell?…. Vanessa, what does z-r-b-t-t spell?… How come when you spell it’s a word and when I spell, it’s nothing?” Enters Bill Cosby telling Vanessa that he doesn’t think anybody asks dumb questions and entertains Rudy’s inquisitiveness.
So Rudy repeats, “What does z-r-b-t-t spell?” Bill Cosby does some quick parental thinking and says, “It’s a zerbert” and proceeds to give her one of those zerberty kisses on the cheek for demonstration. After months of zrbtt kisses to each other, I pulled up the ‘zrbtt’ Cosby Show clip on YouTube to validate it all for Ash. He loved it! Except we don’t zerbert each other’s cheeks, we’ve always zerberted each other’s bellies. He has an ongoing obsession with my stomach, which leads me to the whole belly button thingy.
I can’t remember when the obsession with our belly buttons started, but Ash has had this thing for a while that he does with me. He likes to lay on me, but he always has to make sure our belly buttons are touching. He lifts my shirt, lifts his and presses our belly buttons together.
Outside of zerberts and belly button hugs, there are the sweet random kisses and “mommy, I love you’s.” I hope he stays this kind and loving forever. There are common simple phrases he uses to relay his feelings, “I’m sad,” “I’m happy.”
There are some days I feel like the demands of work and home are too much for me, and I yearn for solitude. I’ve wondered if motherhood was this hard for my mother. My recollection is her mastering it all beautifully. Will Ash think this about me in thirty years?
There is Asher’s obsession with all things Hot Wheels. As I write this, UPS is driving a Hot Wheels City Track pack bundle to my house. He has over a hundred Hot Wheel cars, but that does not stop an ounce of excitement if I surprise him with another one.
He is so very discerning, pays attention to detail, is horrible at finding things, a genius at associations, is silly like his daddy, and stubborn like his mommy. He apologizes when he is wrong without reservation and has an excellent memory. He’s a professional tri-cyclist. No, for real, he is quite impressive on that thing. He knows how to pray and knows how to count to 15 on his own—my Noodle.
My snapshot of motherhood right now: zrbtts, hide and seek, Hot Wheels, and sometimes feeling overwhelmed.
What does motherhood look like for you right now?
P.S. 6 of my favorite baby brands…
photo credit: Nicholle Kobi/Instagram
