I’m struggling somewhat with my words today… and my feelings. I don’t know what I want to say or how I want to feel. Back in January I put in a request at work for an extended weekend off during this time. I had no particular thing planned, just acknowledgement of sacred memories. When I came to work this past Monday, I realized that my clinics were not cleared for Friday and the following Monday. Though the calendar definitely said I was scheduled to be off, there were sixteen patients on my grid who were expecting to see me between the two days. I still had nothing “planned” per se but sent an email to one of the administrators informing her of the oversight.
The next day while engaged in some workplace banter, I was telling one of the Physician’s Assistants what happened and how I will now, well in advance, make sure my clinics are completely clear of patients for any future planned time off. “It’s not your fault they messed up….” she said. A brief moment after that, she looked at me with empathetic eyes and softly said, “Ethan’s birthday, right…?” I looked at her a little dazed… “You remember…?” I swallowed my emotions. She went on to explain how she always remembers because Ethan’s (heavenly) birthday is just days away from her son’s birthday. That made me feel some kind of feeling.
I was getting Ash ready for bed that night and as I walked toward where he was lying on the bed to finish putting his PJ’s on, I recalled that conversation from work. She remembered. It made me feel some kind of feeling again. I wanted to text her and tell her how much remembering Ethan meant to me, but decided it was too late to text anyone. I told her the next day at work.
Today is my mom’s 71st birthday. I know she will always remember because Ethan was born on her birthday! In one sense that feels very divine, but I can’t help but feel some kind of feeling about that divineness. I’m sure my mom feels it too. Last year my clever little nephew coined it as a “happy-sad” feeling.
I realize that for the past few days I have been running on a different type of fuel, not really focused on working, not preoccupied with posting on my blog, no desire to engage on social media, a feeling of disconnectedness. I’d initially chalked it all up to possibly premature PMS or exhaustion. Yesterday as I got up from my couch and walked toward the kitchen, I thought, maybe the past few days have been “different” because I’m subconsciously remembering and questioning it all again.
Today my dearest Ethan I am struggling with my words… and my feelings. It’s been four short years since the day we said hello and goodbye. Yesterday I found myself staring at your brother wondering how much like him you would have looked. You both were such handsome little babies. This morning we headed to where we laid your sweet little body to rest, including your grandma, papa, TeTe and two cousins. They wanted to come too. Just like last year I snuggled a small pot of flowers in front of your stone. We all held hands and your papa said a prayer. A big blue and black butterfly danced around us the entire time we were there. Your TeTe thought that was pretty significant.
I just want you to know that even though mommy is having a hard time finding the words today, I am not having a hard time in the slightest degree remembering you. I remember your hiccups and kicks. I remember you pushing back at me when I prodded your little space. I remember everything about those last several days you were in my belly. I remember how perfect you were. There are other people who remember you too! Happy heavenly birthday my sweet angel. Mommy and daddy love you and will always remember. Your grandma who gracefully shares her day with you now will always remember. We will all always remember. When your little brother is old enough, we will tell him about you. And one day we will all be together. Until then…
Photo credit: Timothy Blanks
P.S. Ethan’s Garden…
❤️❤️❤️Love you❤️❤️❤️