Frankly, I used to hate seeing the words “self-care.” To me, it was just trending lingo, another phantom concept, void of actual utility, sort of like the expression “work-life balance.” And it is not at all that I do not believe in taking care of oneself. On all practical levels, I have always been a big cheerleader for this. I am a nurse; it is the philosophy of my entire profession. I think it was the romantic ideas of self-care that seemed to irk me; long cinematic bubble baths while sipping champagne and days of manicures and pedicures after chic brunches type of “self-care.” Again, not at all because I don’t believe those things are lovely indulgences. My manicurist can attest to my appreciation of the temporary serenity and beauty she provides (love you, Cheryl, you are the absolute best).
But selflessness from mothering coupled with the heaviness of life made me default into survival mode, operating mostly in self-preservation. Self-care, not so much. Waking up exhausted, going to bed overly exhausted. Ugh. In the past couple of months, I have been trying to find my way back by taking care. It’s just that it hasn’t always been “self-care” that is glamorous.
Taking care has been being disciplined with diet and exercise. I’ve lost weight, and I feel so much better about myself. I usually do not like talking about my weight because there is this thing where people think you have to be auditioning for my 600-pound life for your weight loss journey to be valid. Not true. You do not have to be 600 pounds for you to not feel like your best self.
I’ve never been into gimmicks when it comes to health. For me, it was saying to myself, ‘stop eating so many doughnuts and cookies and get back on the treadmill’. This was not “fun,” so I didn’t consider it to be “self-care.” But the results made me realize that it was the best form of self-care there is. I was always tired but noticed that fifteen minutes into running, not so much anymore. The endorphin rush is a real thing.
Taking care has been self-love. I had to get back to this in certain areas, mainly my hair. Watching Zozibini Tunzi talk about running for Ms. Universe with her natural hair was a game-changer for me, “…because then that means I don’t think my hair is beautiful if I am going to change it.” I took my quarantine braids out (after three months) and decided to embrace my hair, take care of it. I vowed to myself no more weaves. Not because I think weaves are bad, they aren’t. They are awesome for the purposes they serve if done healthily. However, I believe that part of the reasons I was getting them was because I felt my hair wasn’t enough to make me look good. So, I vowed to myself no more weaves because I wanted to accept my hair as beautiful. And my hair over the past couple of months has flourished. I have never had thick, dark, long locks. My mane is fragile and a thirsty sandy brown. But I’m wearing it with pride lately.
Taking care was taking a break from social media and blogging. There is so much on the timeline, from greatness to fakeness. At the beginning of June, I decided to go offline for a month (which turned into two). I didn’t make an announcement about it like some do. But for an occasional post in my stories, I stepped away from it all. There was probably some speculation about this. When people don’t know what’s going on in your life, they speculate. But it was for no other reason than taking care.
Taking care has meant small steps of progress. Just because I wasn’t posting does not mean I was not working on my goals. I was. And the small steps I took in the past couple of months felt so incredibly good.
Life is insanely beautiful and hard. Throw a disgraceful president, stifling, raging racism, and a mishandled pandemic into the currents; this year has been heavy on the hard. Here we are in the crux of it all, indebted to God’s grace and mercy for keeping our sanity as the losses mount around us. And then on the brink of 2020’s ninth month, we wake up to the mourning of Chadwick Boseman. Hard. Last week at work, I found myself trying to Zen my breathing throughout the day, in through the nose out through the mouth, whispering in my soul, Lord help me. But this is life, right here and right now. Still so very beautiful. Some days you will feel like the ocean; some days you will feel like you are drowning in it. Keep taking care. God’s grace and mercy be with you.
How have you been taking care lately?
Photo credit: Ernest Sisson/@espimages
