Last Monday I turned 36. My plan was to wake up super early on my birthday so that I could spend some time writing my thoughts out while the house was still resting in quietness, with hopes the morning’s newness would grant me some clarity and profoundness. I wanted to write something deep, pure, …something beautiful. I wanted to prove to myself how much I had grown by my ability to score my words so well they read like a song. I wanted my words to feel significant. Instead, I woke up not so intentionally, disturbed by little feet pushing into my back for what felt like the fiftieth time in the few preceding hours. I was groggy but still shuffled to the office and turned on the computer. I didn’t log into WordPress to start a new blog post; I logged into U of M’s portal to work on patient dictations.
Eventually I heard Brian wake up. Sometime after that I heard those little feet that had pushed at my back all night, hit the floor with a thud and run down the hallway to the office. Into my lap he jumped with his PJ Masks owl glider in hand. I was amused that he had already located the toy I had slipped out of his hands while he was falling asleep.
So… I never got around to my “deep, pure, beautiful” writing. I shut my computer off and headed to brunch with my guys.
I tried to write again, later, while watching Incredibles 2 for the hundredth and fifty-seventh time with Ash as he repeatedly tapped his little Mr. Incredible action figure over and over again on my laptop’s kickstand. I knew that was his way of saying “I don’t want you to do any work mommy.” So I closed my Surface and picked up the Elastigirl action figure and got into character.
A week later, and here I am, still trying to write something eloquent about turning another year. But I realize, for some reason I’m struggling with what to say. I also realize that may be the reason I’ve been inadvertently avoiding writing… I almost feel like I have nothing to say which makes me a tad bit melancholy. This puzzles me a little because I feel like I should have something significant to say about arriving at number 36. This melody should write itself. But as I sit here, searching my soul, hoping to grasp on to fresh inspiration, I stall.
I am learning to learn myself as I grow older and evolve. So I will accept the silence of my words for now. I won’t force them. I’ll just say what I can undoubtedly say. I’m another year older and I’m very grateful to God for my life and health. …Maybe those words are the deepest, purest, and most beautiful words I could ever write anyway. To everyone who sent beautiful birthday greetings my way last week, thank you! All my love, Xo
Photo credit: Timothy Blanks
