“They should be able to choose. God said it’s a choice. It is my hope they choose to live with their actions, but they should still choose. I’m pro-choice, but not pro-abortion.” A few days ago, Brian initiated a group chat conversation about the new restrictive abortion legislation in Alabama and this comment from one of our very close friends sparked a lot of thinking and talking about…things.
My convictions have always been enfolded in pro-life. Yes this is my body and I have the right to do with my body as I please (theoretically). But with pregnancy, the life inside of me is a separate body, with separate DNA, a separate heartbeat, and that life at all stages has always been pretty significant to me. I am aware of all of the splitting of hairs of the heartbeat but that has not changed my position. I remember at one of our prenatal office visits, our doctor asked about some type of more extensive genetic anomaly testing to see if our Asher had any disorders that would cause us to want to terminate the pregnancy. Brian and I hardly even looked at each other to confer. There was no need for extra testing. If there was no sign of a lethal anomaly with the standard testing that had already been done, then we were keeping our baby no matter what. Though my mind was made up, this was the first time I was really able to empathize with this being presented as an option and what that feels like, the thoughts that go through your head. For me it was an unsettling moment.
I’ve never been one to debate my beliefs. They’re mine. I’m the one who has to live with my own conscious. I also have never been one to make someone else’s beliefs or choices my personal business. So, to my fellow sister girl who may have had an abortion for whatever reason, I have no grievance. She makes her choices, just like I make mine. And we both have to live with our choices, and the consequences of them, good or bad. That is what was so interesting about my friend’s comment. It made me realize that I never really had to scrutinize any of this because we all were just personally making our choices and going about our business, until now.
This law allows exceptions “to avoid a serious health risk to the unborn child’s mother,” for ectopic pregnancy (when the fertilized egg attaches itself in a place other than inside the uterus), and if the “unborn child has a lethal anomaly.” I won’t expound on that part of it. I am proceeding to interject some very transparent thoughts here and so I pray you are reading this with some grace. My biggest protest with abortion has always been when it is used as a negligent form of birth control. To me it’s a pretty straightforward phenomenon: with unprotected sex there is always the possibility of pregnancy, the end. Unless, of course there is a physical reason that guarantees otherwise, i.e. a woman with history of hysterectomy or something like that. I’ve never really understood what the incomprehensible part of that is. All things game, if you have unprotected sex, you could get pregnant. If you have unprotected sex, you could pregnant. If you have unprotected sex, you could get pregnant. Not to be condescending at all, but that has always been pretty darn clear to me. Absolutely nobody is perfect. We all have made some thoughtless and regretting mistakes. But I have come to realize that many women and men don’t understand how their sexual reproductive organs actually work and so I’ve always at least partly attributed unintended pregnancy to that.
As many know, a big part of my practice is managing prostate cancer patients. And so, with the treatment of prostate cancer naturally comes the discussion of erectile function. To cut to the chase, you would be surprised to know how many men don’t know that their ejaculate is made in the prostate. I have had so many guys asking me “where did their semen go?” (after their prostate was removed or radiated) that I made it a point to inform the treating doctors that they shouldn’t assume that men know that their prostate makes semen. And so now there is a little bit of sexual education slash anatomy and physiology teaching that goes on in our initial consults. I know some are like, ‘why in the world do I need to know where my semen is made.’ Well why wouldn’t you want to know exactly how your body is working and how you are actually getting a woman pregnant *insert blank faced emoji**? Similarly, there are women who don’t know how their menstrual cycle actually works and what is going on with their ovaries and uterus throughout the month. I say all of that to say that sex education is extremely important. It’s a big deal (in my opinion) for making informed decisions about sex and preventing unintended pregnancies. Plus being ignorant of your body is a huge pet peeve of mine.
There are whole birth control methods based off of awareness of what is going on with your body. They are called fertility awareness methods aka natural family planning. Fertility awareness methods basically help a woman track her menstrual cycle so she’ll know when her ovaries release an egg every month (aka ovulation). The days near ovulation are the fertile days. Those are the days when you’re most likely to get pregnant. So, to prevent pregnancy you avoid sex or use another birth control method (like condoms) on those days. Of course, every women’s cycle is not the same and so this is not me offering a simple cookie cutter solution at all. I am offering that education of your body and your options (and the access to your options and how they actually work) make a big difference! (Side note: I’ve tried oral contraceptives and I’ve tried the natural method of birth control. Both were equally effective for me.)
But then of course there are times when birth control fails right. I think about my mom with this. She knows this all too well. She had her tubes tied and cut after her pregnancy with me but some few years after this she found out she was pregnant with my little brother. Talk about a fail! I’ve heard people ask her more than a few times when she tells the story of the surprise of my brother, “Did you ever think about suing that doctor?” I’ve never heard anyone ask her if she considered terminating the pregnancy though. I just assumed she never considered that as an option but I’ve also never asked. She has always made it gratefully clear that though she wasn’t planning on having any more children and my dad definitely did not want any more, God apparently knew what they needed. I think you know where I’m going with that and so I leave it at that.
There are women who find themselves in an unplanned pregnancy at a financially insecure, inopportune, or frankly embarrassing time and they contemplate abortion. It’s a realistic human response. There are so many angles to take with this. There is no lie that having a baby, unintentionally (and intentionally for that matter) is hard and drastically changes your life. But I don’t believe it kills your potential for higher education, career advancement, or financial security. There are so many I’ve seen that example this.
And then there are the cases of victims of rape and incest which the Alabama bill makes no provision for. There were things that came up in our discussion about adoption of unwanted children versus abortion and also getting immediate medical attention with intervention of the morning after pill to prevent pregnancy. Though I feel like these are technically valid solutions, it seems like oversimplification of a very complex situation. And so again, I can only be transparent and say I haven’t personally quite worked through all of my thoughts on this part of it.
And then there is just the whole political occupation of it all. Brian commented somewhere along our chat conversation, “Definitely politically motivated. If they cared so much about right and wrong from a spiritual perspective, there would be major change in a lot of arguably more important areas. Like gun control.” Totally agreed.
The point of this post is more personal than anything. Chatting with Brian and my dear friends forced me to think intently about my convictions and beliefs and what they mean, with everything going on around me. Whether it affects me directly right now or not. I heavily debated if I should share this post, for obvious reasons. We unfortunately live in time where if your view does not line up with someone else’s you are attacked, condemned. And then there is this whole issue with “being judged.”
I decided to share it because Brian and I and our friends, who we love and look up to, were able to have an open and honest discussion about our thoughts which sparked a lot of thoughtful thinking. There were some points of disagreement, some points of consensus but no loss of composure, love, or respect. I am pro-life but identify the bearing of choice. The ongoing contention of our conversation is the laws hand in it. The thing is, though everyone will not agree on every aspect of this very complex topic, we all have a voice and we can all show respect to each other’s stories, experiences, beliefs, convictions, and the figuring out of that voice… And I’m pro that. All of my love.
P.S. Here’s Alabama’s abortion bill. Read it for yourself…
Photo credit: Instagram/Seilsmith
