I know my Monday posts are usually entitled “Have a lovely week” but the word lovely just seemed too… light. Though I do wish you the loveliest of weeks I can’t shake the heaviness of this past weekend. Two horrific mass shootings in less than 24 hours. Brian chatted me a link about the El Paso shooting Saturday afternoon while I was out running errands with Ash. When I got back home and settled in and could actually read about what happened, I literally felt myself, my emotions, becoming… disturbed.
“Brian I know Martin Luther King said ‘hate cannot drive out hate, only love can do that’ but when I look at people like **insert name of a person who I had to encounter closely over the past couple of years, a Trump supporter and, per my intuition from exchanges with her, a disguised racist** I don’t think ‘oh I need to love her more.’ I think, I don’t like her, I think she is pathetic. ….it’s like hate begets hate. The small-mindedness of racists in this country makes me angry… And our president…ugh” I then infuriatingly said something about idiotic self-serving politicians who dismiss the need for gun control reform. That was my honest initial response. It’s a little disconcerting to admit but it’s my truth. Brian’s response to my vent, “yeah.” A yeah that said ‘I feel you.’ I spent the rest of the weekend with this mood of ‘being bothered’ and frustrated simmering in the background of my emotions. It’s still there brewing as I type this. Last night as I put Ash down to bed, I prayed, God please protect us… and please give me what to say, think, feel, and do… I am having a hard time processing my anger.
There were less sombering things that happened this weekend. Moments that I never want to forget. The moment I was lying on the couch and Ash comes over, lays on me, lifts my shirt (and his) so he can perfectly place his little belly button on top of mine and hug and kiss me. The moment my mom showed up at my front door yesterday with groceries in hand, ready to watch Ash for me and make dinner while I go catch up on some work. I could not imagine the feeling if someone’s ignorance, hate, or disappreciation for life took these moments away.
To the families and loved ones of the victims and communities in El Paso and Dayton affected, I send you my sincerest condolences. I’m so sorry… My heart and prayers to you…
Photo from Nicholle Kobi/Instagram
