Great relationship advice

So, I thought I would share a piece of relationship advice that I have referenced a time or two or a hundred. Brian and I have been married for almost 13 years. Though we have not made it to a gold, or even silver, status marriage, I think thirteen years still holds some clout. We were high school sweet hearts. By the time we were “ready” to get married we had known each other for about 7 years. We married young. I was 21 and had just graduated from UofM, Brian was 23. When you’re young and still trying to figure life out, good advice from people who know what they are talking about is invaluable. Actually, the same holds true when you are old and still trying to figure life out!

We had pre-marital counseling with our Pastor at that time. We still have extreme respect and admiration for him. I can’t remember if counseling was our Pastor’s prerequisite or simply offered to us, either way we were for it.

We both received thoughtfully prepared binders for the course of our counseling. A few pages in, there was a diagram entitled the three stages of marriage. Our Pastor explained to us, in so many carefully considered words, that this was the fundamental evolution of a marriage. There are three phases: enchantment, disenchantment, and maturity. He talked to us in detail about what to expect in each of these stages.

We left that particular session confident that we could totally manage. We had already been together 7 years and felt that we had experienced this entire evolution already. What else could there be? Clearly, we were young and naive. (Though as I have gotten older I see this same naivety is not exclusive to youth).

The enchantment phase is obvious. You are on cloud nine and life is good. You know exactly why you got married. Your love is fresh and untried. You’ve arrived! Conflicts are resolved with minimal strife. Annoyances are largely overshadowed by your infatuation with each other. When Brian and I were in high school we used to get so excited about the thought of one day not having to part ways at the end of a date night. Isn’t that sweet? It’s that sweetness that drives this stage.

Then things take a turn. You are painfully jolted out of your euphoria. I’m not talking about a few unpleasant arguments either. You are in bona fide disenchantment. What in the world happened?! You weren’t expecting this!

During the time we were experiencing this disillusionment, I remember Brian saying “marriage shows you who you really are.” This phase shows the good, bad, and the ugly; it’s the unedited version.

A few summers ago, we were visiting my family down south and my Aunt asked me how many years Brian and I had been married. When I answered “ten,” she responded, “you guys made it through the seven-year itch!” I thought well, it really started at year 5, not 7. But whether it’s year 5, 6, 7, or 15, that itch is very real.

For those that make it out of that phase, there emerges a steadiness, a point in your relationship where maturity prevails. It’s the point where your emotions (good or bad) no longer rule, your commitments do.

Your perspective has changed. You aim to respond to things in ways that foster more confidence in your unions’ solidarity. This stage is the goal!

This illustration was gold for me. I honestly can’t count how many times it has popped up in my head. When we were in our “honey moon” phase it kept me from being unrealistic. When we were in the disenchantment phase it kept me hopeful. Even now, it reminds me of our journey and how we have overcome so much.

The complexity of actually living this out is, of course, unique to each relationship. Some couples are in the honey moon phase longer than others. A lot never make it past disenchantment. Some find a way to figure things out early and thus march on to gold status. I’m praying that Brian and I are the latter. Thanks Pastor for the great counseling!

What has been some of your most memorable relationship advice?