39

Today I turn thirty-nine. On a low simmer, there is a feeling of nervousness somewhere inside of me. But I do not think that feeling is all to do with numerically turning a year older per se because it has lingered in many of my days as a 38-year-old. Instead, I think the nervousness is, perhaps, rooted in a pile of fears—fear that the things I love to do will not render success, that the creativity inside me will not come to fruition, or worse, won’t be good enough, that I should have had more children by now, that my loyalty is mistaken, that I’ll keep getting disappointed, that I’m not impressive, that my career is vain, that my life’s light is not as bright as I hoped. 

I also fear that I have forgotten how to get a good night’s sleep.

And so many days of these past rotations around the sun have felt very outer bodily. So many days, I felt like I was just watching myself go through the expected motions. I kept feeling like I was so far away from myself, not considering my evolution—maybe stop comparing yourself to who you were in your twenties, Amyre. In my Lizzo voice, I’m not the girl I was or used to be. I might be better. 

And I felt tired a lot. I even went to my doctor to make sure everything was physically checked out, with nothing but a bit of hypoglycemia as the takeaway. “You’re healthy, Amyre,” he told me.

And then there is my weight. Over the past several months, I have unintentionally gained weight. I remember chugging Ensures in my twenties, trying to add poundage for more curves. But now, after two pregnancies a decade later, picking up pounds takes little effort (especially with erratic sleep patterns). Though I accept and love my “grown woman body,” I still feel like this past year, I have wobbled off and (slightly) away from the fine line of being the weight I feel my best self at. Ironically, I have worn more crop tops this past year than I have probably worn my entire life. This year I have also worn more belts than I’ve probably worn my whole life. Belts are so helpful for the snatched waistline silhouette! Why not add two?! (I will do better with my diet starting tomorrow.)

Those who have followed me in this space can probably predict my succeeding words. And no matter the lot of these trying thirties, my gratefulness for God’s grace supersedes everything.

Your late thirties are a different point. You definitely do not feel “old,” but life has taught you a thing or two, so you do feel more settled in some ways. As I wrote that last sentence, I laughed because I imagined if I said this to my eighty-two-year-old dad, he might chuckle at my use of the word “settled” and say something like, “keep living.” I have my fears, but I feel my self-confidence thriving.

There have been a lot of hard days as a thirty-eight-year-old but thank God for giving me the ability to keep showing up. Ash is a big part of that. God blesses us with children, but you do not realize how much strength and resilience they empower you. What a gift. My genes are another part of that. My dad passed me this head shape, making it impossible for me to wear a cute top knot bun. But thank God, he also gave me a heavy dose of his strong will. And my faith is probably the most significant part. Because without the chief cornerstone as my foundation, I would have surely crumbled by now.

We compare ourselves to others thinking they do not go through the same fears, loneliness, insecurities, challenges, and disappointments that we do because we see them showing up, not knowing how or why they do it. Ariel Fitz-Patrick captioned one of her brilliant reels today—recent discovery: grace is when the math ain’t mathing, yet somehow, you’re still making it through. I would say that is highly accurate as a now thirty-nine-year-old. 

On the inside, I do not think I have ever felt so unchill on a birthday. But nevertheless, I am ever so grateful to be here. So, with the grace of God, I will keep showing up as fabulous as I can. Happy birthday to me! Thank you, God, for another year of lessons and blessings. Thank you for your amazing, sufficient grace.